Day 24 - 10/13/11 Thursday

Dats why I just fuck and slide off like a Visa/ Dey I'm cold...freezer/ Dats cuz I'm bout my shyt, I speak dat shyt...condaleeza/ I tell a freak go down no breather/ Let this pipe hit her throat. She shakin like AH Ceezer [sic].

This is a rap from Knots. I can always tell when he's writing a rap because he's sitting down swaying back and forth. Knots borrowing my radio had become a daily thing and has prevented me from getting my afternoon nap. The low hum of generic hip hop beats coming from the headphones is annoying. Don't forget the constant "sing moaning."

Day 23 - 10/12/11 Wednesday

For lunch today, we had stew with potatoes, rice and veggies. The stew and potatoes were right next to the rice because they were meant to be mixed. I thought to myself “How absurd! Mixing rice with the stew when there are already potatoes in it!” I'm a firm believer in 2 starches don't mix. I got tea and sugar cubes in my commissary today and found myself saying the tea was subpar. And I found myself bored playing pittypat with Mikai because it's below me and doesn't challenge me. Then, after the rice fiasco, I couldn't help but ask myself when did become “that guy?” That snooty too good for anyone guy. That “Venti mocha chip soy with an espresso shot” guy. That “I'll have crème fraiche guy. That “Oh! Fresh Air with Terry Gross is on NPR!” guy. Just that too good for anything, high society mindset.I'm really not sure. Maybe it was when I first became a supervisor and that heightened sense of power and self-worth kicked in. Or maybe it was when I started making 20 bucks an hour and I could afford to waste money at a concert supporting an indie-band. Maybe it was when I started eating tofu scramble with nutritional yeast for breakfast because my taste for red meat often ebbs and wains. I'm not sure and I'm not sure I like it. Maybe I've always been like this. That's my theory. I really don't know how to feel about it. On the one hand, I must come off as the most pretentious uppity jerk-off to these people who yell and holler at the same Jerry Springer scenario everyday while shouting their double negatives. And on the other hand, I AM actually smart and don't live in a close-minded bubble. Educated and not so much sophisticated. Just as I said to Lamborghini.

Day 22 - 10/11/11 Tuesday (Columbus Day)

Big Bubba, a big bellied C.O who makes an appearance every Tuesday, was banging on my door.

“Take the rag off the vent,” he said referring to Knots's was cloth drying on the air vent. Requests like these were repeated to every cell: Get that shit out of the window. Take that shit off the walls. Take down that clothesline  Big Bubba was a jerk. He was the only C.O to do these inspections. He'd tell the bubble to turn on everyone's lights in their cell (and when the bubble turns them on , we can't turn them off) and bangs on every door.

Day 20 – 10/09/11 Sunday

“Hey. Hey'

“Huh?” I said I said in a sleep haze

“It's lunch.” W.M said from my cell door.

“Thanks.”

I decided to sleep through morning rec since it was the weekend but I didn't plan on sleeping through lunch. I wasn't sure if W.M's kindness was out of obligation or not. Yesterday, he went on one of his rants and I happened to be in his path.

“I'm still here past my max date. Why am I still here?” He went on and on but I was willing to listen because he's nice. “I can't get in contact with nobody.” He paused. “Nobody.” He repeated. I see where this was going. Was it obvious I had an excess of commissary funds? I guess most people don't get the 37 dollar radio their first week of being on the block.

“Do you need a stamped envelope?” I asked

“Oh yeah if you could that'd be awesome.”

“sure”

I went and retrieved 2 envelopes for him”Here's 2 just in case.”

“Thanks so much man.” He ran off to his cell.

Day 15-19

There may be some days here. I feel like there are but I can't seem to find them. A few of them got lost in between n prison and coming home.

Day 14 - 10/03/11 Monday

The Elite is a group of guys I've dubbed The Elite based on their tight knit group and special “privileges.” These are the guys who can get away with anything and have everything. Dreds, the block representative, this the go to guy and has been here for over 3 years. It's his job to facilitate communication between the outside would (outside of the block) and our block. The Elite includes Dreds, Turtle, Uncle, Chris, Specs, T-Lo, and Big Retard. Of these guys, Dreds, Turtle, Uncle, and Chris are the A-Listers. They get to stay out of their cells longest. Sure they're cleaning the day room, but when they're done, they're usually still watching TV or arguing some stupid point.

Day 13 – 10/02/11 Sunday

Yo.....YO!” I opened my eyes and Turtle (one of the A-listers) was yoing me.
“Food,” he said quickly and left. It was nice of him to wake me up. I went out to eat my “sloppy joe” while W.M went on another rant about his charges and supposed release.

Day 12 - 10/01/11 Saturday

I wish one of my friends had enough sense to call the prison to get my number to write me. It's only been 12 days but I feel terribly alone. There's no feeling worse than being surround by 54 other people but feeling absolutely alone. I've never felt more like an outside than I do now. The strange thing is I'm fine with it. I'm fine with no talking to anyone. I'm not here to make friends. It's the reason Mikai constantly comes up to and talks to me. I keep my mouth shut. I have no reason to talk to anyone. Not even Mikai.

Mikai and Wheels's talks about gays (because Pruane went up state and Mikai's new celly, Girard, is possibly gay) not being normal made me cringe. It took so much for me not to say anything. So much. I found myself defending gays in my head thinking “I'm cool with gays” as if I wasn't. I've spent the past few weeks not thinking about it so much that I somehow forgot I was gay.

While still talking to Wheels, Mikai turned to me and said “If there's no plane wreckage at the Pentagon, isn't it obvious a missile shot the Pentagon?”

Mikai asked this trying to convince Wheels that 9/11 was an inside job.
“I'm not getting into this,” I said referring back to our controversial conversation in booking. He comes off as a well spoken knowledgeable man but this is the same “college educated” man that didn't know planets existed outside our solar system.

Day 11 – 9/30/11 Friday

The days are beginning to bleed into each other. Everyday is getting to be the same. I'm still in the cell by myself and the more I observe everyone else, the more I enjoy my solitude. The thought of sharing a cell with someone like Mikai or Lamborghini scares me. I wish there was another Brooklyn here. So far, I haven't found one. All the guys my age are your typical black Upper Darbians. There are the guys hooting and hollering at Springer everyday. These are the guys that are loud and obnoxious during a game of spades. These are the guys that don’t mind dropping the word faggot when talking about Lamborghini.

Day 9 – 9/28/11 Wednesday

While standing in line for breakfast, Mikai came out and made an announcement.

“I'd like to say good morning to my fellow inmates. To my Spanish brothers, hola. Someone stole my blanket and replaced it with a shitty one while I was in visitation.” His voice got louder. “That’s not mother fuckin' cool!” Mikai told me the previous day how his cell mate, Pruane, gets picked on constantly. They stole his pants, beat him up, and play tricks on him. I guess it trickled down to Mikai.

>

“I'm a grown ass man!” Mikai shouted, “I WILL FUCK SOMEBODY UP!”

Silence. It was 5:30am. Everyone just wanted to eat and go back to bed.

Lunch rolled around and I was just waking up from missed sleep. I was one of the last ones to get a tray so I was the last one to get a seat. I went from table to table but like Forrest Gump, all the seats were taken. I settled at a table with 3 occupants 1 of which was a tall lanky while Muslim who introduced himself to me yesterday as W.M in his thick Baltimore accent.

“Thanks,” I said, “everyone else shunned me.”
“Well we won't shun you. We don't know you well enough yet to shun you.”